Somehow, in chaos of the school year, blogging 'once a week, at least' has turned into blogging once per month. That means I start again for my bucket list goal. Here goes...

I'm feeling a bit sad these days. We have been trying to get pregnant for going on 5 months now and the disappointment is starting to ware on me. I know that this span of time might seem laughable to some, but we were able to get it on the first try with Caelan and fertility issues are a HUGE fear of mine. (Many women with Celiac Disease have difficulty with fertility.) My heart breaks for all of the women out there who battle fertility issues for years on end or who have trouble maintaining a pregnancy. I cannot even fathom the heartache. We are going to stop actively 'trying' for a while, get my health, etc. in a good place and pick back up again in a few months. We'll see what God has planned.

I just realized that I have been keeping this blog for over a year now... I just recalled the picture I posted of Caelan in his little pumpkin costume last Halloween. So adorable. This year was much more difficult... getting a 16 month old to hold still for much of anything is nearly impossible. Needless to stay, the eyeliner beard and mustache for this year's pirate costume were a challenge! Regardless, you were the cutest little pirate ever to walk the plank.

There is much to write about but little energy to spare at the moment. My book and my bed are looking very inviting and I think I should give in. It has been a long week.

I really will put forth some effort to pick up my entries again. The realization that I have been doing this as long as I have will be motivation enough! I feel so proud! I don't think that any of the journals I have attempted in the past have lasted longer than a few months, at best.

I guess I finally have something worth writing about, hey?

Today, and always, I am thankful for my family. My desire for and failure to create another child has made me so, so appreciative of my Caelan. Where would I be without you? I love you so much, kiddo. You and daddy are my everything.

Fall is here: hear the yells, back to school, ring the bell

Ahhhhh, Sweet September. The air is crisp and so are the leaves and apples. We have moved into one of my favorite seasons. Heavenly autumn has arrived.

While it has taken a few weeks to adjust to our new schedules, I think that we have a nice routine in place now. I am the new Program Director for After Hours at Montessori, which means that I get to be at home all day with Caelan and then work for a few hours in the afternoon when Daddy's day is done. It works out beautifully. I am happy to be back at school, as I have missed the children and practicing the pedagogy but I can't say that I wouldn't rather be home, either. All in all, we're going to be ok here. We have a little more money flowing in and I don't have to compromise on being an at-home mom. Win-win. Smiles all around.

Caelan, you are beacon of a joy and laughter. I look at you and can't help but smile. You have such a terrific sense of humor and I am brimming over with love for you. You love being outside- too much- and love to make other people laugh. You can say mama, dada, apple, more, all done, yeah and hello. And a million other things in your own secret language. You can identify 8 body parts. You can run, climb stairs while holding on to a railing, and lift things that weigh half as much as you. You are an unbelievably determined child and I hope you never lose this characteristic. (Even though it gives me hell sometimes.) You amaze us every day and we love you more than you'll ever know.

Today the whole family participated in the first annual Heather's Teal Ribbon Walk. It was a walk to raise funds and awareness for Ovarian Cancer in honor of my dear departed friend Heather Weeks. Thanks for helping the rain hold off, Heather. We love you and miss you. Keep shining up there. Your mom and lots of other people are working really hard to continue your work down here. Lots of love, money and prayers went to your cause today.

Does it make me sound like a crazy person, that I address people throughout the content of my blog? Oh well. I am writing this for my children, so to me it makes sense that I would address them. So I don't care what you think. Never mind. And to my children who will read this someday: you must already know that I am a little crazy, so why should you be surprised?

Ok. Laundry beckons.

Today I am thankful for having had the pleasure of knowing Heather Weeks. I will celebrate your life as often as possible and continue your fight against cancer in whatever ways I can. Thanks for visiting me in my dreams so often.

Happy Birthday, Daddyo! Geoff turns 29 today! All in all, we had a great day. We both had to work for a little while (Yes, two teachers working on a Saturday) but we went out with Geoff's whole family and had a great dinner together afterward. After Caelan went to bed we spent a nice quiet night in. Who could ask for more?

Today I am thankful for the day that Geoff was born.

Wow, time is running out and I don't know where it went. It is back-to-school crunch time and I am not quite ready for it. I am desperately clinging to these final days of August and trying to squeeze out every last moment of carefree "summerness" possible. We went to Green Lakes today and enjoyed the beach and warm water with friends. I have tucked away the sounds of the seagulls, the smell of the beach and the feeling of hugging a sand-covered Caelan for the long, cold months approaching. *sigh* It has been a particularly fantastic summer this year. Honestly, if this is as good as it gets then I am completely ok. I can't complain about a darn thing.

I do not have the energy to stay awake and write a lot at the moment. My bed beckons and Caelan is sure to rise with the sun, as usual. Today I am thankful for a generally perfect summer. We had ups and downs and moments of terror, but all in all I can't imagine it being any other way. Here's to the last few days of it.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig

We have just returned home from our three week visit with Nana and Poppy Cropper... It was the best three weeks we could have possibly hoped for. We hiked, we biked, we swam, we breathed, we talked, we ate, we sang, we laughed and we cried at goodbye. The weather was great and the company was better. We saw bears, rattle snakes, turkey, deer, rabbits and lizards. The mountains were breathtaking and the ocean breezes were revitalizing. This trip was everything that we needed and more. We are going to make sure that a MINIMUM of three weeks spent there each summer will happen. We had an absolute blast.

I haven't had the opportunity to upload all of our pictures yet but they will be coming very soon. Today I am thankful for three weeks of wonderful memories with the family. It was the best.

I am writing a disclaimer post today. We are currently on vacation in Asheville, NC visiting with my parents. Next week, we will REALLY be on vacation in Hilton Head, SC and I am determined to go on this trip 100% free from technology. This means no blog entries next week. My bucket list requires at least one entry per week for at least one year but I am adding an addendum that says vacations are the exception. I promise memories and pictures to follow.

Today I am thankful for the beauty and majesty of Appalachia. It is so beautiful here.

I love everything about summer today. I love the sounds of lawn mowers, children screaming in pools and birds singing to each other. I love dogs barking in the distance and the smell of someone else's camp fire. Today, this is what I am thankful for.

Today I am thankful for Caelan's giant blue eyes, chubby cheeks, and smile which melts my heart at least a million times a day.

I am currently torn between trying to fence time and wishing it away. Caelan, you are cuter and funnier that I could ever attempt to put into words. For this reason, I desperately want time to stand still. I never want these days to end. Our mornings are full of adventure, our afternoons are sleepy and lazy and our evenings are full of laughter. It couldn't get any better.

At the same time I find myself DESPERATE for this week and next to end. This is, of course, because next Friday we leave for our highly anticipated trip to North Carolina/ Hilton Head. Ahhhh. I find myself swept away in fantasy about sitting on the beach, sipping frosty drinks and taking endless bike rides around the island.

In an effort to end this time battle, today I am thankful for right now.

Small Stuff

Today I am thankful for tasty health food. This process of only eating whole, unprocessed food is so easy because of the wide variety of good stuff out there in our stores. Hooray for Nature Tyme and Wegman's Nature Market.

My health has generally been in the crapper lately. I have not been feeling "well" for several months and it has finally reached the point of not being able to fake it through the day. In the past I have been able to paste on a smile through the headaches and get through at least my necessary daily chores before I collapsed when Caelan goes to bed. But I can't even manage that anymore and I'm feeling scared about it. I figured that I can let go of my fears by writing them down here and that maybe by saying them 'out loud' these fears can't possibly come true.

I have been put on a very strict diet with Medical Foods and a bunch of supplements. This is an effort based on my doctor's theory that my body has STILL not recovered from the Celiac Disease and is still being malnourished. Supposedly my body is having to feed off of inappropriate resources in order to produce enough white blood cells for survival. To be honest, I don't really understand it all. I am following orders and trusting that this is a step in the right direction toward wellness again.

A big part of what is going on has to do with persistent swollen glands in my neck that have been present for nearly 5 months now along with pain in my throat and difficulty swallowing. In a few days I am going to be having a laryngoscopy done through my nose and they are also planning a biopsy of the lymph node. I am keeping my fingers crossed that these tests will at least give me SOME answers and, if nothing else, put my mind at ease and ascertain that I don't have cancer.

Thats all I have time for now. Hopefully, years from now I'll look back at this post and I won't even remember this bump in the road. It is weighing so heavily on my mind at the moment and I am desperate to imagine a day when I will feel so healthy that I can't recall this feeling.

Today I am thankful for all of the people in my life who care.

Mmmm

Aaah. Today I am thankful for strawberries. The sweet taste of summer. Caelan's cheeks dyed red. The smell of strawberry juice on his skin for the rest of the day. (Somehow this sweet smell sticks with him despite rigorous wash-downs.) I love, love, love you, Strawberries.

Its fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A

Today I am thankful for the YMCA. It sounds silly, I know, but they offer so much and I am thrilled to be a member now. Geoff and I are both trying very hard to be as healthy as we can for you, Caelan, and the Y is helping and making it so easy. They have free and wonderful childcare. They have swimming lessons. They have tons of fitness classes. They have a bitchin' gym. So. Yay for the YMCA!

Today I am thankful for baby sounds. I hope I never forget the unique sound of how you sip through a straw, chew a cheerio or breathe in your sleep. My days are full of those sounds and it is easy to take these precious moments for granted. But after you go to bed and I have 30 seconds to myself I miss you and all of these little Caelanisms. You turned 1 year old yesterday and I am starting to realize just how quickly time is passing and how soon it may be that I will no longer hear these exact baby sounds. They will be replaced by other sounds; sounds of childhood. And I will love those moments equally. But right now I just want to make sure that I don't forget the sweet sounds of your first year. It has come and gone more quickly than I could ever explain or could have ever imagined.

Today I am thankful that I have a BENIGN lump in my neck!!

Today I am thankful for good literature. I needed a good break from reality today and found my salvation in a story. Getting lost in a fictional place is nice.

I am also thankful for Caelan's chubby cheeks. I could pinch them all day long and can always escape from reality for a moment to attack him with kisses. Thanks for your patience, Kiddo. :)

Today I am thankful for rainy days. I have been high on sunshine and needed this cozy, rainy day to slow down. Everything looks greener today. When the sun makes its return tomorrow, the flowers with rejoice and we will all feel refreshed.

Tomorrow I am sending out an application for a writing class offered by The Institute of Children's Literature. It has been a lifetime (sort of secret) goal of mine to become a published author of children's stories and I am super excited to make my official attempt. I am finally realizing that just sitting here with these stories floating around my head won't get me anywhere with this goal... so I decided that it is now or never. I really, really hope that I pass their aptitude test and get accepted. I will feel pretty dejected if I don't. I guess I'll have to wait and see. In the mean time I need to keep writing.

Writing my stories for their test proved to be a lot of fun and very rewarding. I am definitely more motivated than ever and need to hold on to this mojo. I feel like the Little Engine Who Could. I used to have a whole lot of confidence in my writing... I was one of the youngest kids in my grade to be accepted into an AP writing and lit class as a sophomore in HS and did very well in it. English was my favorite subject throughout school until my senior year when I had an evil teacher who told me that my writing 'lacked maturity of style'. She gave me unfair grades and treated me horribly. (She was very well known for being a highly biased teacher, though.) I think that one of my primary motivators for getting published is my desire to send her a copy of the piece with a post-it that says "f-you". I do believe that she has since been fired.

In other news: tomorrow is my first Mother's Day! Geoff and I went out for a nice dinner last night to celebrate and had a great time. Yay for Outback Steakhouse and their fabulous Gluten-Free menu!! It was lovely but, Caelan, you are the only gift I need for Mother's Day. You are my pride and joy and I love you, love you, love you. You are getting SO big and are so ridiculously adorable. I feel like my heart is going to explode just thinking about you.

I'll sign off with a shout-out to all of the moms out there. To my mom, Geoff's mom, grandmas and your future wife, Caelan. NOTHING compares to the love that a mother feels for her children. Motherhood's love is infinite, unconditional and nothing short of a miracle.

Things have been a little rough for the Roberts Family throughout the last week and it has been tough to find time to sit at the computer. I just looked back at my post from April 27th, before any of this turmoil began and would just like to reiterate the truth in that statement. Gardy, if you read this blog please know that a window WILL open for you.

Today I am thankful for a wonderful world full of delicious possibilities. Even if it doesn't always seem that way.

There are days when it is more difficult than others to come up with things to be thankful for. I suppose that on those days I can at least be thankful for the gifts of faith and hope.

Today I am thankful for peaceful moments. Just when I think I am about to reach my breaking point, something kicks in and carries me through until I can find that moment to breathe.

Today I am thankful for the windows that open when doors close. Without fail.

Right now I feel hungry. Today I am thankful for plentiful food... enough to spare and wear on our faces.

Today I am thankful for my family. You guys are my whole world and you couldn't make me happier.

I'm officially making an attempt to cross off another item on the list: to maintain a journal or blog well- writing at least weekly. I can't promise an extensive entry every day but my plan is to at least post new pictures and a minimum of one line (every day? I hope...) to say what I am feeling thankful for at the moment. I mentioned in my last entry that I was feeling guilty about not taking the time frequently enough to count my blessings. I am taking this step to change that. I am sick of the world bombarding us with negativity and messages of gloom and doom. I am choosing to be happy, no matter how unhappy some of life's everyday occurrences may feel. The economy sucks. Our savings account sucks. People are losing their jobs.

But today the sun is shining and it is a great day to be alive. The flowers are blooming and the world is still turning. Lets enjoy that and love each other, shall we? I am heading out to do something positive. Caelan and I will go to the chiropractor and take a walk with the sun shining on our faces. Then we'll come home, eat lunch and play all afternoon together. Today, I am thankful for the beauty and renewal of springtime.

The List, at last.

I am feeling guilty tonight. I have been so absorbed by our financial struggles and trying to figure out how we are going to make it through the summer with zero income that I have neglected to pause and appreciate everything that I do have... and in such great abundance. I need to be thankful for every single person in my life and remember that I truly have everything that I could possibly need and much more. I have love in overflowing abundance. I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboard. I have a healthy, happy family and I am living my dream of motherhood with a husband who is willing to support me in every decision that I make. What a fool I am for not taking time out every day to count my blessings.

I have been having major pangs of grief lately. It is approaching the anniversary of a dear friend's death, so maybe that's why. I have lost too many friends too soon in this life. I think of them all daily and miss them terribly. What a shame it is that we rarely appreciate anything until it is gone. When my friend Heather passed away a few months ago I promised to post a Bucket List here. I have avoided doing so because I feel like I will actually be held accountable for accomplishing the goals set forth on said list once I make it public. I'm ready. I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about this and I imagine that I will continue editing and adding to the list as time goes by. For my children who will someday read this: Don't take the list too seriously. If I die tomorrow and nothing on the list has been crossed out, know that you and your father are my greatest points of pride and nothing will ever be more important than how proud I am of nurturing our amazing little family. If I could accomplish most of what I list here as well, then I will die a wife, mother and woman who did a lot of stuff she always wanted to do. That's all. Some things listed are of greater consequence than others and they aren't listed in any particular order. Without further ado, here it is:

The Bucket List.

· Travel 6 continents

Get a brave haircut--- Done!!

· Climb an active volcano

· Visit every capital city in Europe

· Write a book, try to have it published

· Run a full or half marathon

· Maintain a journal or blog WELL, write at least weekly

· Learn sign language

· Learn to play piano

· Take a Mediterranean cruise

· Spend my 25^th wedding anniversary at Disney World

· Learn to juggle

· Grow a vegetable garden

· Master calligraphy

· Make a list of 100 books to read and read them

· Make a list of 100 movies to watch and watch them

· Practice deliberate random acts of kindness weekly for at least a year

· Give blood

· Sleep in a castle

· Be a great mom

· Meditate every day for a least a year

· Practice yoga every day for at least a year

· Spend one whole day reading (books, magazines, whatever)

· Spend one whole day writing

· Become a reiki master

· Love my family, deeply. Make sure that my children understand that love is more important than ANYTHING else.

· Learn another language well enough to hold a conversation

· Handwrite thank-you letters to the people in my life that have had the biggest impact

· Stop sweating the small stuff

· Rescue an animal

· Donate my body to science.

That's all for now, I guess. I love this blog. Its like being your own therapist.

When did March get here?!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did it again. It is March and time is flying faster than I can believe. I think I may be dreaming. Real time doesn't pass like this. *sigh*

I made a big decision official yesterday: "poor" for two more years, at least. I had a meeting with the Head of School at Montessori a few weeks ago and toyed with the notion of going to back to teaching full time. I thought that I would be ready but the more thought I put into it and the cuter you become every day, Caelan, the more certain I am that I just can't do it. Your growth, health and development are too important to me and I just can't imagine passing you off to anyone else for 40+ hours a week. My idea of parenting does not include seeing you for only 3 hours a day.

I am thrilled, however, that the Administrators at MSS loved the idea of my working the After School Program for 2 years as a part of my prospective '5 year plan' which I presented to them. That way I will still earn some income and Daddy will get to spend some quality time with you right after school! This plan will allow me to stay home with you all day, work a few hours in the afternoon, and still have energy to try and make you a baby brother or sister! :)

Darn it, you're awake. You have only been asleep for 20 minutes! Your top teeth are trying to come in and are giving you absolute hell. I suppose I have to run...

Oops.

Ok, so I did it again. My entries have been scarce, but so has my spare time. You are a man on the move, Baby Caelan! You are "commando crawling" all over the place and very demanding for assistance with walking. You would like to by-pass crawling all together but I'm forcing you to keep trying. At just under 8 months old, you pulled yourself up to a standing position in your crib the other day ALL BY YOURSELF! I'm going to be in trouble soon; about to find out just how un-baby-proofed our house is. Yikes.

It is early February and the mid-winter blues are just starting to set in. This is usually the time of year when I want to curl up under a blanket and not come out until April. You do look awfully cute in your little snow-suit, though. Worrying about keeping you warm has helped me to forget how cold I am this winter, so that is a nice change! (Normally I avoid going out in the cold at all cost and practically run anywhere I have to go when outside in the winter because I so passionately despise being cold.) We also have a trip scheduled to visit Nana and Poppy in NC in two weeks, so that thought is keeping me warm as well. I'm also getting super excited for our trip to Hilton Head in July and find myself day-dreaming about biking around the Island with you in tow and enjoying the warm salty ocean breeze. *Sigh*

Ok... Nap time is just about over so I better take my last couple of moments here to eat something. One of my goals in the next month or so is to learn how to post video to this, if possible. I think it would be nice for you to be able to *see* all of these milestones that I write about. You are so freaking adorable right now and I can't possibly put it into words. :)