The Holidays are Here

Over a month has passed since my last entry. Ugh. I suck. In my defense, it is the holidays and things have been extremely busy. Caelan, your first Thanksgiving has come and gone since I last wrote. Nana, Poppy, Uncle Dan and Aunt Malena all came up from North Carolina to visit and have Thanksgiving Dinner with us- it was wonderful. To save money, time together and agonizing time washing dishes, we decided to have Thanksgiving at Dibbles Inn. They put out a delicious spread and there were even plenty of options for me and Nana. You, however, did not enjoy yourself too much. You were quite grouchy and tired throughout the entire meal and demanded to be held the entire time we were trying to eat. You have been eating solid baby food for a few weeks now and your curiousity with adult meal time is insatiable. You reach for and grab EVERYTHING in sight and put it into your mouth. This makes eating with you nearly impossible. Daddy and I typically have to take turns eating when we're at restaurants. I have not eaten a single meal in peace for over six months and I do intend to take out my frustration at this when you are a teenager.

In just a few days it will be your first Christmas. We will spend Christmas Day at home in Syracuse with Grammie and Grandpie and then drive to North Carolina to see the Cropper crew the next day. We'll stay there for a week and have a nice long visit. I can't wait.

You are currently cute as can be and bursting at the seams with curiosity. You can now roll over in both directions (and roll, roll, roll like a log if space permits) and can sit up all by yourself. You are very frustrated that you cannot crawl because you often want something out of reach and can't seem to figure out the best way to get at it. You blow our minds with your stength and fine motor skills. Rather than raking and palming objects, you typically are able to pick them right up in a pincer grasp. If I see that you are frustrated at your inability to reach something, I often offer you my hands and you are able to pull yourself right up and (clumsily) walk right to where you want to go. You are a man of few words and rarely grace us with the sound of your voice. (Unless you are crying.) Generally, you are content to sit and take in EVERYTHING happening around you and to test out various toys. The last 6 months have flown by faster than I can explain.

I fear that your nap will be ending soon so I need to take this narrow window of time to steal a shower. I am hoping to receive a laptop computer for Christmas... maybe that will help me to stay on top of my blogging a little better. My former laptop broke several months ago and it will be nice to have one back again. Here are a few pictures from Thanksgiving. The one up top was taken just yesterday.

Bucket List

A dear friend of mine from High School passed away last weekend. Heather Weeks was a beautiful girl with a beautiful soul. She is, I am sure, up in heaven dancing with the Angels now. We took dance together several nights a week all through High School and did multiple shows together as well. She was charismatic, fun, caring and a very loyal friend. We called ourselves the Misfits of Tawn Marie and each adopted a character name from the Rudolf Christmas movie with the Land of Misfit Toys. I still have my sweatshirt that says "Erin Cropper- The Dentist". I think of her every time I wear it and now I will wear it in such sadness. Her life was cut terribly short at only 24 years and she will be sorely missed. Her little body was ravaged so quickly by cancer- first of the Colon and then spreading everywhere from her bones to her lymph nodes to her lungs. She had SO much to offer this world. I suppose she lives on in all of the many lives that she has touched and that we should be glad that she is no longer in pain.

I had only recently rekindled our friendship after being out of touch for a few years. We wrote back and forth several times throughout the last few months and I just wish I had done more. The last communication we had was an email that she wrote me on November 2nd and I never wrote back. I didn't think in a million years that it would be that last time we spoke. I had even picked out a Christmas present for her from a catalog; an angel ornament that says "Protect This Woman". Too late.

I can't imagine what Heather's life might have had in store for her had she lived on. She was so smart and so talented.

The tragedy of such a young friend dying has inspired me to create a Bucket List- a list of things that I hope to accomplish before kicking the bucket. I have not yet put a ton of thought into what the list will include, but I plan to work on it over the next few days and post them here when I'm finished. I imagine, however, that it will probably grow throughout the years to come as well.

That is all for now. In her memory, I'll post the picture that I framed and sent to Heather in a package recently. We all miss you, Heather. Rest in Peace.

5 months

I'm writing today with no real rhyme or reason. I haven't written in over a week so I thought I had better just sit down and do it. You are five months old today, Caelan. You have exploded into all kinds of new awareness... discovering that your feet belong to you, discovering that your hands can work together. You are able to sit up with almost no assistance and are capable of manipulation. Yes, you have your mama wrapped around your tiny fingers and you know it. :) You cry the moment I leave a room, and smile the instant that I re-enter. You cough a fake cough just to see my reaction and then smile ear to ear when you see that it got my attention. You are holding onto toys and putting everything and anything in that achy mouth of yours. You can roll over from your tummy to your back and are working hard to flip the other way as well. The world is yours.

Yesterday was Halloween and nothing eventful happend- thank God. We had quite a few Trick-or-Treaters and gave out several pounds of candy. There weren't any particularly clever costumes worth mentioning. I can't wait until you are old enough to dress up and go out. I'd like to challenge myself here and now to hand craft all of your future costumes... somebody remind me of this in a few years when I'll likely try to scramble off to Target on October 30th instead.

I suppose I'll sign off for now. You are sleeping in my left arm right now and skilled as I am at typing one-handed, I'd rather rest and enjoy this moment of silence.

Until next time...

Poor us.

Caelan, when I was growing up your Poppy had a million sayings. One that has been ringing in my head of late is "Money can't buy you happiness, but happiness can't buy shit". (I'm hoping that by the time I allow you to read this, swear words won't come as a shock, even from your mommy.) While the statement may be true, I feel the need to add to it with an old Seinfeld cliche: "Money can't buy you happiness, but happiness can't buy shit... not that there's anything wrong with that". I guess I'm trying to say that we're poor, dear Caelan, and I'm ok with that- for now.

We're not destitute, by any means, or even ACTUALLY poor by the standards of its definition. Clearly, the title of this entry is meant as a joke poking fun at our current situation. We have enough to pay all of our bills, buy food, clothing and other necessities. We just don't have a lot left over to buy that shit that happiness can't buy. Why so happy, then?

I guess because, in reality, we have made the choice to be poor. I CHOSE to quit my job teaching in order to be home with you. I knew that, despite the major financial repercussions, we would ultimately be happier to have me at home taking care of you. The choice was: will Caelan be better off throughout his first year of life with extra money or extra love from his mother? No brainer.

The reality of living with this choice is a little more difficult, of course. We constantly have to turn down invitations for dinners out, etc. but that is fine! Instead we stay in, read together, cook meals together, take walks together and talk. Key word here: together. Not having the extra cash around has given us the opportunity stay put and just BE. It is so easy to let your life fly away and let time escape when you're constantly on the go. Being forced by finances to just sit still and spend time with my loved ones has been the greatest blessing. I love your father more and more with every passing day, especially now that we have the time to appreciate one another and our love for you is outrageous. I thank the Lord that we were given the opportunity to be voluntarily poor and reap the benefits. I am happier with my life than I have ever been.

Let me also note that, while your Poppy's saying up above may sound harsh, I never heard it until late in my teen years. That is to say: as an adult I now know that we were also poor-ish in my youngest years... and I had one of the happiest early childhoods of anyone I know. Looking back at the teeny tiny house that we started off in (which your Poppy built with his own two hands) makes me laugh. I never noticed how small that house was or how often we may have had Spaghetti-o's for dinner. I only remember a childhood rich with laughter, play and a mom and dad who loved us and each other by the boat load. All of that shit that our happiness couldn't buy could have never replaced our time together and time that we were able to share. Thank you, mom and dad, for being poor when I was little. And thank you for becoming rich later in my life and sending me to the best schools that money COULD buy.

Hopefully, my sweet baby, you'll be able to thank us for being poor one day. So far, so good. Our decision to kiss money goodbye has allowed us to hug happiness hello. We don't have much, but we have each other- and guess what? That's plenty for me.

I'm Baaaack

Just a quick update to announce that, lo and behold, I am not a spam blogger and can post again! My account was shut down for about a week because my blog was flagged, for whatever reason, as a spam account.

I don't have much time to write at the moment; we just got back from an AWESOME surprise trip to North Carolina and I have a boat load of unpacking and cleaning to do. For now I'll just post a few pictures from the weekend and I'll write more when I can about our visit with Nana and Poppy. It was SO great to see everyone. I hate that we live half way across the country.

In anger, sadness. (But not really...)

I recently spoke with an unnamed friend who made me feel like a complete psychotic for choosing to be a stay-at-home mom. How could I stand to be alone with nothing but the sound of my own voice and a crying baby? How can I just 'sit around' all day doing nothing but caring for an infant? Clearly my brain must have permanently shrunk to nothingness during pregnancy and stayed that way. I was once educated- slightly brainy, even. What happened?

At first I was angry with this person. I don't judge her choices; why is she judging mine? It was already a painstaking decision to stay home, taking its toll socially, financially, etc. I don't need a friend to question it further. Then I sat down to read to you, Caelan, and felt pure sadness for this friend.

I got to watch your eyes viewing the pages of a new book for the first time, full of wonder and amazement. (Unfortunately, the book was Hop on Pop... perhaps Dr.Seuss's crappiest work ever.) I felt sad for this friend who might not know the satisfaction of reading countless numbers of books every day to their child. Since the day you were born, I have been dying for some recognition, and finally achieving it was huge for me. I read to you multiple times every day and practice sign-language constantly; finally seeing some recognition for these efforts feels like winning an Olympic gold medal. My poor friend doesn't know this satisfaction because she drops her kid off at Daycare at 8am and picks her up just a couple of hours before bed-time. Someone else is getting to experience these victories for her.

And then I realized: How dare I!?! I AM judgemental and I need to stop. Pity is every bit as offensive as her comments! The bottom line: every individual and every family is completely different. You just need to do what works best for you and yours. If your family is healthy and happy, then your needs are being met- Kudos to anyone who can accomplish this, by whatever means necessary! For my family, this means me at home. It IS the toughest job I've ever loved and by far the most gratifying. I can't wait for the challenges ahead. I have not lost my mind, my wit or my intelligence. I simply feel more fulfilled at the moment by teaching my own child than teaching someone else's. Respect that, and I'll respect whatever your family does. We're all doing what we think is best. Who can scoff at that?

Happy Times

Just a quick update to mention that Gardy is now home from the hospital and doing great. He is eating solid foods again and savoring every last mouthful. I am about to head to the store to get the ingredients for making some brownies topped with Snickers. (Our agreed upon favorite candy bar.) After living for nearly a week on nothing but an IV, he has quite a new found appreciation for flavor. Welcome home, Grandpy.

Last night was my first day back at MSS for Tiny Dancers. It was a blast and I can't wait for Monday. When I injured my back years ago, I used to sleep with a note inside my pillowcase that said "God, I'm a dancer. A dancer dances." -begging for the chance to do it again. Somehow over the years I let myself forget how important that was to me. I used to cry myself to sleep at night and would promise over and over again that if I could get better and have the ability to dance again, I would never take that ability for granted. I LOVE to dance and I feel like an idiot for letting go of that for so long. So now I have to make up for the lost time and I couldn't be happier to do so.

That said, I feel like dancing. Time to go get jiggy. [Side note: I am actually using Will Smith's 'Gettin Jiggy With It' in my 7-9 year olds hip-hop class. It is pretty much the funniest thing I've ever seen.]

Milestones

I never thought that a raspberry could bring tears to my eyes, but I was wrong. The spitty kind, not the fruit. Caelan has burst into being far more vocal- coos and a-goos and now raspberries and laughter. These tiny milestones that make this baby seem more like a person have changed the way I look at him every second. He is a changed person literally every day when he wakes up and I don't want to miss a moment of it. He is learning and growing in every way and it just blows my mind that this child entered the world only 4 months ago. He was a helpless empty vessel for us to care for and now he has doubled in size and can communicate in ways other than screaming. Truly, this is the most gratifying job in the world.

This blog must be God-awfully boring for other people to read. I am totally one of those nightmarish doting parents with nothing better to talk about! Humph. Oh well. Since it is really FOR Caelan and our family, I suppose it's okay.

In other news, Grandpy Gardy is still in the hospital recovering from surgery but doing well. Thank you to everyone who has kept him in their prayers. Also, Nana Cropper nearly cut off her pinky finger yesterday which I find both scary and hilarious. Geoff is usually the one I worry about with sharp objects but I guess that mom+knife+frozen salmon= disaster also! She is all stitched up and living life as a leftie for now.

Alright... back to business. I allowed myself to lose a considerable amount of flexibility while i was pregnant so I have been working hard to regain it now that I'm back to teaching dance. As you can see from the picture, Caelan enjoys helping me out. Off to do some splits and airplanes!

Lazy Sunday, my favorite kind.

Its a cold-ish and clammy Sunday afternoon here in Syracuse. (really?!?) If I were in a worse mood, I might call it gloomy but I will instead call it cozy, because that's how I feel. Its the kind of day where socks feel good after not wearing them all summer and coffee tastes especially delicious.

Caelan's Auntie Carrie Manolakos was in town this weekend so we went for coffee with her this morning and then out to brunch with several other old friends. No matter how much time passes in between visits, it is always GREAT to see everyone, catch up and reminisce about old times. It was great for everyone to meet Caelan- the last time I saw most of these friends I had just found out that I was pregnant. I truly hope that we can all stay in touch throughout the years as we have managed to do so, at least occasionally, since graduating almost 7 years ago.

Geoff is at the hospital now visiting Grandpy Gardy, who seems to be recovering well from his surgery on Friday. We expect that he will probably come home early next week.

I suppose I better go finish writing my plans for Dance class this week. My time is precious while you nap, dear Caelan and can't be wasted. Someday I'll give you a hard time about what a fussy and demanding baby you were. You're lucky you are so darn cute and snuggly on these chilly early fall days. You sure know how to redeem yourself.

The First of Many, I Hope...

I have always been a crappy journal-keeper. I'm hoping that this modern journal medium will somehow prove to be easier or more motivating for me. I am primarily starting this blog in order to keep track of our fleeting lives for our son, Caelan and our other future children. I think it will be such a gift to be able to look back at the every day occurrences of our young family and remember how young, crazy or naive we may be right now.

Sometimes I feel like such an old lady, being the first in my graduating high school class to get married or have a baby. I also feel like the luckiest. I am the first to know this crazy, crazy love and everything that comes with it. So that I don't take a single day for granted, I will do my best to record our lucky, lovely, rocky, sad, happy, and desperate moments here. It will help me in the future to remember that no matter how rough things get sometimes, so long as we have this family, everything is always going to be alright.

Here's to life and wherever it will lead. To you, Caelan and your future brothers and sisters. To Our Family.